The Howard Dean speech that would follow this discovery would go something like:
Deaniacs please be seated. Thank you Comrade Burns for your wonderful introduction.
As many of you are aware, bin Laden has been discovered on Mars by the NASA Spirit mission. And as you are surely equally aware, George W. Bush has once again failed to adequately plan ahead just as we have seen in his failed invasion of Iraq. We are now in the position of knowing bin Ladens whereabouts but without the means to return him to Earth. How can George W. be trusted with America's security when he fails to plan for a situation like we now find ourselves.
I have consistantly noted George W's lack of foresight and planning. If I am elected President, you can rest assured that such mistakes will not be made. I will be sure to equip all space missions with a full judicial panel and legal team capable of defending, I mean prosecuting, bin Laden to the full extent of American law. As well representatives of Amnesty International, the ACLU, and Human Rights Watch will be invited to join all future space missions in the event that an individual fighting again American hegemony, sorry liberty, is apprehended. This is to ensure that the individual is treated with the utmost respect and dignity deserved of all human beings.
As to how bin Laden came to be on Mars I've heard many theories... One is that a Nazi sympathizer, who is also George W's uncle, has developed a time and space travel device capable of transporting people anywhere's within our galaxy. As it goes, George Bush had apprehended bin Laden last July but did not make his capture public so that he could wage his unjust and criminal attack against poor Saddam, damn I mean the poor Iraqi people. This once again proves how deceitful and criminal the present administration has become. Now of course this is just a theory. I have no actual means of verifying if it is true. But regardless this is the kind of insight the American suckers, oops people, deserve from their President.
Elect me and I shall set the truth free!
As a final note, could all the 'Blacks support Dean' signs be left at the exit. Its much easier to bring the signs to each event since it seems none of you have any black friends.
Good night, and God Bless, I mean... just good night.